Upside Down

You are going about your daily life when it is changed forever in the blink of an eye. You suddenly find yourself in an alien body with your whole life being turned upside down and without any idea what the future will hold.

I was just getting to the sweet spot in life. I was on good financial footing and a year earlier I had just landed a great job that I loved. I had an amazing partner by my side and our relationship was solid. We had just celebrated 20 years together. I was on top of the world. What more could I ask for?

Then the bottom fell out from under me. I had lost my father. I took it hard because he was such a big part of my life and I loved him dearly. I had just started to make some headway dealing with his loss and a few months later I slipped and fell on some ice. I ended up in an ambulance on my way to the hospital with excruciating pain in my back and down both legs.

“There, I found myself 40 years old lying in a hospital bed after 2 surgeries to correct the pressure on my spinal cord and I was wondering how this could have happened
to me.”

There, I found myself 40 years old lying in a hospital bed after 2 surgeries to correct the pressure on my spinal cord and I was wondering how this could have happened to me. I had an L3 incomplete spinal cord injury, I couldn’t move or feel anything below my knees, I could barely move my thighs and my hip muscles were extremely weak. I couldn’t feel anything below the waist and had no bowel or bladder control.

Things I knew, confidence and abilities I had, were no longer the same as I remembered. I suddenly found myself on very shaky ground, questioning all aspects of my life. What would my future look like? I wouldn’t be able to return to my great job because it requires the use of my feet! I was always a planner, and for the first time in my life, I couldn’t plan anything because I had no idea where I would end up. Talk about terrifying.

Days of brain fog from painkillers led to weeks of depression and disbelief and then months of physiotherapy. Slowly I regained some functionality. I could stand for periods of time. I could walk with the help of mobility devices for short distances, and I regained bowel control. Although my independence isn’t at the level I want yet, I’m well on my way to being able to achieve all the things I want to. I want to learn to live with this alien body and adapt as best as I can. I’m climbing this mountain one step at a time and I’m almost at the top now.

There are a few things that I learned on this climb, and I’d like to share them with you.

The first, and the most important, is to never give up! You might not think you can get through such a tremendous life-altering event like this, but you can. It’s a matter of determination and surrounding yourself with positive family and/or friends who will be there to help you stay motivated and in the right headspace. Your body and mind are incredible at adapting if you let it.

The second thing I learned is to talk it out. I talk to my friends/family regularly and I talk to a therapist as well. I let it all out and I’m honest/open about things. It’s a good release and it helps me work through struggles. Having a cry is ok and it helps tremendously. It also helps to be able to talk to a professional. They can offer an unbiased view that family/friends can’t, and it allows you to be open with everything you might not otherwise be able to talk about. Like your sexual health issues related to your injury. It’s ok, it affects a lot of people with Spinal Cord Injury and it’s normal.

The third thing I learned is that you never know how things will turn out so just give it time. There are a lot of people I’ve met at rehab. Some were in far worse condition than me when they started and ended up better than I am today. One example is a man who broke his mid-back. He is a quadriplegic and has no bowel or bladder control and could barely open/move his hands and couldn’t walk or stand. Today, he walks with a single cane, without leg splints and has regained his bowel and bladder control for the most part. Most of the feeling has returned below his waist as well. He spent about the same time as me in rehab and recovered more than I did. His injury even looked far worse than my slip and fall. That’s the uniqueness of Spinal Cord Injury.

The fourth thing I learned is with a spinal cord injury there is no timeline for recovery, and there is no guarantee on what level you will recover. The only thing that is guaranteed is the early days are going to be hard physically and mentally. To put it simply, it’s going to suck! You are going to have to keep yourself motivated to keep moving forward. The more you can manage to push through in the beginning the easier it will get and the further you will get overall. This is because of things like nerve regeneration and keeping muscles from wasting or atrophying. The body is quick to repurpose muscles you aren’t using. It’s a case of “use it or lose it.” So get on it and stay on it!

The fifth thing I learned is to live one hour at a time during the really difficult parts of your recovery. It’s the way I got through the really tough times. If you look at the big mountain you are climbing it can be overwhelming, but if you look at each step individually it’s much easier. One foot in front of the other gets you up that mountain eventually. It just takes time.

The sixth thing I learned is that your body and mind are incredible at adapting if you let them. Yes, there is a lot of frustration in the beginning and a lot of tears that will be shed, but it gets easier. It’s all trial and error and repeating it over and over until you get it done. There is no wrong way of doing things. Whatever gets it done safely, is the right way. You just have to figure out what works for you. You will adapt and overcome!

And finally, the seventh thing I learned is the amazing community of support and resources out there like Spinal Cord Injury Ontario and the power of the internet.

Someone has been through what you are going through, someone has had the same question,someone has encountered whatever it is you are struggling with. Spinal Cord Injury isn’t new. It’s just new to you. So ask the huge community, you aren’t alone. It’s just alien for you at the moment.

My life has been quite challenging these past months, and I truly felt like it had been turned upside down, with no way to get back to the life I once knew. My journey isn’t over and there is so much more to accomplish, but I know now that my future is going to be ok. Sure, it will be a little different than I expected but I’m headed in the right direction and that is up. I’m most of the way up the mountain I’m climbing, and I can see the beautiful view from where I am today. I’m determined to finish my climb and I will do it, one step at a time.

We have all been upside down at some point. The way back is to never give up and to take it one step at a time! The spinal cord injury was non-negotiable, but how we deal with it is.