Dear Rachele – Finding Love
*Note that questions have been edited for length, clarity, and respecting privacy.
Reader asks: I am a 30-year-old man looking for a life partner. I feel that my disability has made it difficult for me to date, have a relationship, or experience sex and intimacy. How I create meaningful partnerships?
Thanks for your question!
I want to start by saying that while I’m sure your disability creates some barriers to dating, it is really the fault of our ableist society that has created the larger social barrier. We are made to feel that our disabilities make us hard to love, too much work, or unattractive, which just isn’t true! Disabled people are just as worthy of love and care as our non-disabled counterparts, and we are just as hot (if not hotter) as them too!
With that being said, there are going to be people who are still not into dating a disabled person, and while I think their opinions are rude and ableist, I also think they are not a good potential parter anyways if that is their take. So barring that specific group of people, lets chat more about how we can find partners who are worthy of our time and energy!
Get out there – Whether on dating apps or going to community events, it’s important to put yourself out there as a potential partner! As scary as it is to offer that level of vulnerability to strangers, it is necessary to build relationships.
I’m often asked when and how to disclose a disability while in the dating scene, and while this will differ between people and comfort levels, I personally think it’s best to just put it right in your dating profile. Giving that information right upfront mean you might have to do less explaining, and weeds out the people who aren’t interested right from the get-go.
And if your disability is visible, it saves you from surprising a person once you meet up and having a negative reaction that you now have to deal with.
Consider your intentions – One of the most important things to consider is how your intentions will read to potential partners. Entering the dating scene with the sole purpose of finding a forever partner is going to add way too much pressure to both yourself and the people you are meeting. Start out with getting to know people, creating and nurturing new relationships, and seeing where things lead. The best partnerships are formed through strong relational bonds, not just lust or external expectations.
Start your search by focusing on making meaningful connections with people, it never hurts to have more friends! Maybe these friends will become something more in time and maybe they won’t, but the better we are at making connections with other people, the easier it will be to form romantic connections as well.
Prepare for rejection – As much as it sucks, rejection is a natural part of life, and especially the dating scene. Whether it be for really crap reasons like people not wanting to date us because of our disabilities, or simply because people just aren’t into the same things we are, rejection still stings.
I have found that preparing for rejection and caring for our rejected selves is what really creates more resiliency to being rejected. When we know rejection is an option and aren’t so surprised by it, it lands a little easier. To aid in this I like to offer an “out” when I am proposing something. For example, saying something like “I’ve loved hanging out with you as friends but I was wondering if you’d want to try dating. But I’m happy to stay friends if you’re more into that.”. Putting the possibility of a ‘no’ into the air leaves room for another person to feel comfortable saying ‘no’ to us, but also prepares us to hear it.
When it comes to caring for rejection, think about what you need to feel better. Let yourself feel bad and nurture those emotions, eat your favourite snack, watch your favourite TV show, masturbate, whatever gives you a good (or at least comforting) feeling. Mixing those good and comforting emotions with the pain of rejections helps us build up positive pathways in our brains around rejection, so we aren’t so scared of it anymore.
Don’t sell yourself short – This is probably the most important one for me. Don’t settle for something less than what you what or need just for the sake of having a partner. Your disability doesn’t make you undatable or unlovable, so we don’t need to date the first person who is “willing” to date us for fear that no one else will.
Think about the kind of partner you want to be and the partner you want to have, think about your values and what you think is important, and what you won’t accept in a partnership. Consider all the things you bring to the table, and all the things you hope someone else will. Our minds can change and our expectations can expand over time, but knowing what you are generally looking for when starting out is super helpful in being able to tell when you’re not getting what you need.
The dating scene can be scary, but it can also be fun and exciting! Try to go into things with reasonable expectations, and let yourself create genuine connections. Good luck out there!
Rachele
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