It’s been a while since we’ve done a classic Real Talk with Rachele post instead of answering questions, but my most recent webinar panel for pride had me thinking about rejection. So that is our focus for this month!
Rejection is tough – it’s an inevitable part of life, but some of us experience it more than others. I’ve found over the years of working in disability communities, rejection just seems to be higher, and I’m willing to bet that’s because of the ableism and desexualization of disabled people.
And while rejection is rough, there is a beauty to it. Being rejected means you put yourself out there, you offered vulnerability and asked for something you wanted, and that should be commended.
But that doesn’t necessarily make rejection any easier, so for today’s post, let’s talk about how to make rejection sting less, by building Rejection Resilience.
—
The term Rejection Resilience was coined by educator Karen B. K. Chan and essentially refers to learning skills and tools to work through rejection in a healthy and healing way. Like most other resilience, it is built through experiencing something and coming out the other side.
Chan identifies a list of prompts to help us work through being rejected so we can build that resilience over time. They are:
- Recognition: notice it
- Truth tolerance: name it
- Adjust expectations: expect it
- Perspective: it means ___, it doesn’t mean ___
- Exit plan/next steps: our next move
- Care: pain requires attention and care
Let’s unpack these and offer some examples so you can learn to build your own rejection resilience.
Recognition: notice it
This is all about recognizing that you are having a feeling at all. Not all of us are skilled in internal recognition of our emotions, so we have to make a conscious effort to become aware of them. We also have to give ourselves the space and time to feel those emotions.
Truth tolerance: name it
This is the next step after recognition. Once you’ve identified that you feel bad, name that feeling. Are you feeling sad, angry, embarrassed or ashamed? Are you frustrated? Giving that feeling a name helps us work through it by essentially putting it on display for ourselves.
Adjust expectations: expect it
This is a personal favourite of mine and something I have taken to utilizing a lot myself. While I don’t recommend going into every situation thinking “I’m going to get rejected”, I do think that knowing it is always a possibility actually helps with the outcome. It helps to prepare yourself not just for the rejection, but also the possible hard feeling.
One of the ways I do this is by always offering an “out”. Saying something like “I think you’re cute and I’d love to go on a date, but no worries if you’re not into it”. This does two things – one, it sets my brain up for the possibility of them not being into it, which helps with the overall rejection process. But two, it offers an “out” right upfront so the person doesn’t feel pressured to agree to something and knows the option to say “no” is right there. As someone socialized as a woman, the fear of saying no and dealing with pretty scary consequences is always there, so I like to offer this out to try to help other people not have to go through that scary thing.
Perspective: it means ___, it doesn’t mean ___
This element has to do with understanding why we are being rejected and either not taking it personally or changing our behaviour. While I love the idea that rejection isn’t about you, and sometimes people just aren’t into what you’re offering, there is always the possibility that something about the way you asked impacted the result.
What I mean by this is that in some cases, it really wasn’t about us. Maybe the person just isn’t interested or has a partner already, or maybe they are just kind of ableist and you dodged a bullet. Or maybe this isn’t a huge rejection but just a partner saying no to something you wanted to do in bed. All of this has more to do with the person you’re asking and their boundaries than you personally.
On the other hand, there could be the possibility that we are coming on too strong or asking for things that our partner has already said they aren’t comfortable with, and that is an us thing, and something we can ultimately change.
Exit plan/next steps: our next move
This piece will really depend on what kind of rejection we’re talking about. I like to call it “little R rejection” and “big R rejection”. Big R refers to a straight up “no” – we’ve asked someone on a date or to make out and they are just not interested. This can even be a breakup.
Little R rejection refers to the smaller “no’s” we are bound to receive in any relationship with another person. It could be about specific sex acts or even where to put your hands. It could be about our partners’ and friends’ comfort levels with how they interact with us, or even where to go for dinner.
For this element, the different types of rejections are really going to change how you plan your next move. If someone says no to going on a date, you can leave the situation and take care of yourself (more on this in the next section on care). But if you’re asking a partner to try something new during sex, and they say no, what is your plan for after? Do you need time away to process that “no”, can you move on right away and suggest something else? Can you just say “I’m disappointed and I need a minute, but I appreciate you being honest with me”? This is where you need to figure out how you best deal with communication and conflict yourself.
Care: pain requires attention and care
This last element is all about how you care for yourself. And to me, this is one of the most important parts of building resilience. Our brain is a funky part of us, it is generally really good at adapting to all sorts of situations as they arise. But when experience something over and over again, the brain creates pathways so our body can expect what comes next. When it comes to something difficult, like rejection, our body is likely to create pathways that take us to a bad feeling place if we don’t train it otherwise.
This is why the care piece is so important. When we experience something hard or bad, but we offer ourselves comfort and care right after, our brain won’t create a total bad feeling pathway. Instead, it can be mixed – the good and the bad feeling. We probably won’t ever think of rejection and something we want and love, but our brains and bodies can associate it with the love and care that we offer it.
So when you get rejected, what can you do to make yourself feel better? Do you need a pint of ice cream or a warm bath? Do you need to play video games or watch bad reality TV to take your mind of it? Do you need to masturbate to relieve some built up pressure? Do you need to call a friend and complain? Whatever it is, make sure you give yourself that time and space. Plus, you did something difficult and vulnerable, you deserve a little treat!
—
I hope this month’s topic offers you some space to explore how you deal with rejection, and as always, if you have a topic or question you’d like me to cover in future posts, fill out the contact form on the Real Talk homepage!
